My Heart is Broken and My Spirit is Grieved

On September 10, 2025, evil reared its ugly head at a college campus in Utah. Charlie Kirk, a conservative debater and Christian, was murdered by an assassin. I was at a baseball game and my son sent me a text, "Hannity says Charlie Kirk didn't make it." My heart dropped. I texted back and asked him what happened, and he told me he was shot during a campus event and killed. I can't describe what I felt at that moment except to say I was shattered.

I'm writing this, primarily for myself. I have cried. I have mourned. I have prayed. I have watched hours and hours of his videos, and I cried some more. I didn't know him. But he was a fellow Christian--more than that, he was an evangelist who shared the gospel with courage and commitment. I have followed him for years and admired his boldness in sharing his faith and willingness to stand up for the same morals and beliefs I hold dear.

As the days have passed, God has convicted me and asked me if I could be as bold as Charlie. Would I be willing to share what I believe, knowing it could cost me everything? Sadly, before September 10, I had not been bold or even willing. I feared I might lose friends. I worried I might lose customers. I rationalized that I had to stay neutral. Not anymore.

I've been immersed in social media posts from people who have been convicted, as I have. They have reclaimed their faith, taken their families to church for the first time, purchased a Bible for the first time, accepted Christ, and been baptized. Was it Charlie's sudden death that caused them to feel this way? Yes and no. 

There's been a shift in the spirit world, and God is moving, using Charlie's death as a moment in time to draw those to him. People who have never heard of Charlie Kirk are watching his videos online, listening to his testimony, and seeing how he lived for God, and seeking the God of his faith. 

There will be before September 10th and after September 10th. The youth of this country have been awakened. The Christians have been revived. The unbelievers are being drawn toward Jesus. 

Charlie Kirk was a martyr in all respects. He died speaking the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. His death will not be in vain. God is, and will continue, to use it to His glory.

John 12:24 says, "I assure you and most solemnly say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone (just one grain, never more). But if it dies, it produces much grain and yields a harvest."

Looking toward the harvest of souls!

When You Need Your Mother

 

There are those times in life, even if you’re in your 30s or your 60s and beyond that you need your mother. Even when you’re a mother yourself, you need your mother. There are those inevitable questions you have when you get engaged, married, and have your own children and your children have children. Questions that only your mother can answer. Feelings that only your mother would understand.

You need your mother when you are struggling in a marriage, and you need that ever-present life-altering advice that will help you see the bigger picture. You need your mother when your son or daughter rebels or threatens to run away, and you don’t know what to do or how to help. You need your mother when your child gets sick, and you don’t know if it’s nothing to be overly concerned about or if you should head to the hospital. You need to feel her arms wrapped around you when your son joins the military, and you worry about his safety.

You need your mother there to share in your joy when your daughter gets married and has children of her own. You want her there to experience your happiness and celebrate those moments in life that make you smile. You want her to see herself in your children and grandchildren.

As you get older, you need your mother to comfort you when you are diagnosed with breast cancer and the future looks uncertain.  You need her when you lose a good friend to cancer or a relative to a devastating illness. You need her when your daughter is diagnosed with cancer and you feel so absolutely helpless yourself. You need your mother when your spouse is in the hospital fighting for his life and there’s nobody there who understands what you are feeling or knows how to make you feel better. 

I have needed my mother for over 30 years. I lost her when I was 32. She missed seeing my children grow up. She missed their birthdays, graduations, marriages and the birth of her great grandchildren. She missed everything in my children’s lives and in my life for the last 30 years. But more importantly, I missed her.

You need her when the whole world comes crashing in on you and you feel so overwhelmed you might explode. You need her arms to hold you and hug you and make you feel safe and comforted. Too many of us have suffered loss without those loving arms and gentle words of hope to make us feel better.

And it’s not just those life altering moments that you need your mother. You need her to call and tell her you ran into someone that knew her and loved her. You wish you could pick up the phone to just hear her voice. My mother died before smartphones and facetime and recordings were common. I don’t have a recording of her voice. I can’t remember what she sounded like. I barely remember her laugh which was infectious.

Lately, her absence haunts my dreams. I find myself looking for her as I sleep, hoping to see her or feel her again. It’s the only comfort I can hope for. Some look for signs—a butterfly, a bird, a ladybug to confirm their mother’s presence. I’ve never had that. Although I do believe God opens a door in heaven to allow them to see us and perhaps send someone to comfort us in either the form of another person or the Holy Spirit.

For now, I have to settle for my heavenly Father to comfort me when it hurts so much I can’t stop crying. Recently I was in the car driving home from a long day at the hospital feeling completely alone. I was crying out to God to give me rest and peace. He met me in that car and wrapped his arms around me and gave me the comfort I needed that night. It comforts me to know my mother was right beside Him hugging me and letting me know I was not alone.

 

The Silence of Friends

My opinion probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I wanted to add my voice to the many other voices expressing concern and outrage over the brutal murder of George Floyd.

Yes. I watched the video. It made me sick. I've also watched other videos of police beating people of color senseless and it's upsetting and sickening. It's just not in me to treat another human being that way. I can't even fathom why someone would be that angry. But it happens. All the time. And my simple, God-fearing heart just can't comprehend why, except there is evil in this world and no matter how hard we fight, it seems we lose more battles than we win.

I have to put this into a perspective that I understand. My daughter from another mother married a black man. He is educated and works hard to support his family. He wants what we all want--a safe and loving world where he can raise his son. He's 6'5" and my grandsons call him Uncle Giant. I love him. I love him because he is kind and loving and gentle. I love him because he loves his wife and treats her with respect and compassion. I love him because he is one of the best fathers I know to my adorable adopted grandson. My grandsons don't even see his color. He's just Uncle Giant--the guy who carries them, lifts them on his shoulder, plays with them and loves on them.

I don't see color, but he does. He says people are afraid of him. He says they look at him as a threat without even knowing him. I can't even begin to understand how that feels. People hav "e judged me for my opinions and my views, but never the color of my skin. It breaks my heart that he is afraid for his son and his son's future. It breaks my heart that we even have to have this conversation, but we do.

God said we are all equal--in a perfect world that would be so. But this is not a perfect world. It is filled with evil and inequality. All I can do is be one voice. I can say it's time to stop hating and judging people who are different than you. I can speak up and say it's time to stop talking and take action. I'm not sure what needs to be done, but we need to try. We need to open our eyes and step up when we see abuse. We need to be the example and embrace everyone as equal. I may only be one, but just one voice added to another voice added to another voice can make a difference.

I pray that God opens the eyes of those who are blinded and help them to see that we all just want to be loved and accepted. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

All Hell Done Broke Lose Around Here

I was watching "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" the other night and as I heard one of the actors use this line, I thought it was quite fitting for what we are experiencing right now. It's tough for so many of us who are "staying at home" and even tougher for those who must continue to work and put themselves at risk so we are safe.

My emotions have gone from lack of concern to absolute fear to a calm acceptance. Even though I trust that God is in control of everything, the constant barrage of news and the flood of posts on social media make it hard to look past the fear to the faith. On top of that, we are all missing our loved ones due to the social distancing and stay-at-home orders.

I have a friend who received a cancer diagnosis during all of this and she's single and at home alone. I can't even imagine how overwhelmed and lonely she must feel. No hugs of concern. No contact with members of her family. Thank God for social media and all the virtual hugs of compassion and concern she is receiving. (If you're reading this Jeanine, I'm thinking about you).

I think it's the actual physical touching that I miss the most. I miss my daughter hugging me hello. I miss my grandson William sitting almost on top of me when we are watching television. I miss my grandsons hugging me when I leave. I miss hugs from friends and family who are staying home and doing their part to stay healthy and keep others healthy.

I find comfort looking back on the good times I have had with them. Those memories fill my heart with joy and remind me to cherish and treasure every single day. The past hugs and smiles will have to do for now. Soon...very soon...we will be making more memories and they will be sweeter because we know not to take those moments for granted.

Stay safe and healthy!

The Words I Never Wanted to Say

These are the words I never wanted to write. I’ve delayed saying them. I’ve avoided typing them. I’ve begged God for a miracle. And I’ve prayed they would never be true. 

My friend is dying.

We met in an unlikely place during an unlikely time. But it was an instant bond over our shared faith in God and our love of music. She has a heart of gold and a giving spirit that outshines anyone I have ever known. As I got to know her and we talked endlessly online, I knew we had to meet in person, even though we lived in separate countries miles and miles apart.

That week, those seven days, are treasured memories now. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t remember sharing a Tim Horton’s coffee together. Eating at the Red Top Restaurant. Walking at The Forks and having the best time people watching. Going to a supper club in a historic hotel listening to a piano man and his singer make some sweet jazz sounds. Meeting all of her friends that she loved so dearly and volunteered with weekly. Watching movies and videos of our favorite singer together. 

I could have made a million excuses not to make that trip. But as the time draws closer and I know I won’t hear her voice any more or be able to pray with her over the phone, I’m glad I didn’t use those excuses to stay home. Because that week, that one simple week, will keep me going for the rest of my life until I see her again in heaven. Her kindness, her support during some very scary times health wise, and her unconditional love were priceless. I will hold on to those memories when I feel sad, when she is gone, and when I want to pick up the phone and call her.

We had plans. We were going to meet in Toronto or New York one day. She always loved the big cities, as do I. I guess we will have to meet again in God’s heavenly city. That’s the thing about knowing God—goodbye is not forever when we have Jesus. It’s only a “see you later.”

See you later, Allayne. I love you and I treasure every single moment I had you in my life.

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them.
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end.
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime (and an eternity) are not too long
To live as friends.

The Disease That Keeps Taking

My heart is broken tonight. I've lost another friend to cancer.

This one was my spiritual daughter. We prayed together, cried together, and walked through some very difficult times in her life. And just when we thought the cancer had been defeated, it came back with a vengeance.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of this disease taking my family and my friends. I'm sick of how every family has been touched in some way by its power to cut lives short. Even with all the new treatments and drugs, it still keeps cutting us down one by one.

When my father was my age, all he ever talked about were the friends who were sick or had died. At the time, I didn't understand why he would focus on this all the time. But I understand now. When it keeps smacking you in the face, it's hard not to dwell on it.

Rae was the kindest, sweetest, most soft spoken woman. Her desire was to serve God in spite of everything that had happened in her life. She raised two boys on her own, raised grandchildren, unexpectedly lost her spouse, and battled cancer.

I don't think I will ever understand the why or even the how of this disease. I do know that my daughter and I are two of the lucky ones. For whatever reason, we were able to dodge the bullet and live to tell about it. I also know that you never really stop thinking about it and wondering if it's silent for now and hiding to rear its ugly head at some point down the road. It is and always will be a part of you.

While she was on this earth, Rae blessed so many lives, mine included. Her children were blessed to have her as mom and so were her grandchildren. Words are never enough when something like this happens. Even the comfort we get from God often falls short during these times.

I am glad that I will see Rae again someday in heaven and that we will embrace one another like no time has even passed. I'm thankful that both of our bodies will be healed and there will be no more pain or suffering. But most of all, I am thankful that one day this horrible, evil disease will no longer destroy so many lives and families.

Rest in peace, sweet Rae. I was blessed to have known you.

A Soul I Will Forever Remember

I met Wendy online about seven years ago. We signed on to collaborate on a parent’s site for college-bound teens. I knew from the start that she was a remarkable woman. I met her in person in July of last year. She was even more remarkable then—fighting ovarian cancer and doing everything she could to stay positive amidst a very devastating prognosis.

We met at Penn Station in New York City. Her smile lit up the train station and I will never forget her red glasses that framed her face. She was a petite woman with a spirit that was larger than life. We had talked on the phone for years, shared medical histories, family joys, and had serious conversations about cancer and how it had touched both of our lives. Since she lived in New York and I lived in Texas, the chance of us meeting in person were slim. But God had a plan and as fate would have it, I was in New York over the summer and we arranged this day.

We walked for miles that day, even though she was weak from chemotherapy treatments and the toll it had taken on her body.  She wasn’t going to let any of that interfere with the day, however, and she never complained for a second. We walked the High Line, had lunch together at Chelsea Market dining on fresh lobster which was a real treat, and splurged on some cheesecake and brownies for desert. We laughed and talked about our lives and futures, and we ended with some somber conversations.

As the day was coming to an end, she invited me to join her and her husband, Mitch, for dinner in Little Italy. We walked about a mile enjoying the New York neighborhoods and talking about her daughter’s wedding which she was so looking forward to attending. During dinner, Mitch attended to her every need and you could tell how much he adored her. He hung on her every word and it was a joy to see the love that they had for one another.

After dinner, we walked to the subway taking pictures of the neighborhood streets along the way. Wendy loved the city and was fascinated with everything it had to offer. They both escorted me back to the train station, made sure I was on the right one, and waved goodbye, smiling.

It’s rare in this world that you meet someone like Wendy. She was kind, compassionate, focused, sincere and positive. She had a knack for words, moving me with her words that she willingly shared with her colleagues and parents, and had a great sense of humor. In the college prep world, she was a giant. Her book, giving a humorous parent perspective of college prep life, left me in stitches. She loved a good joke, telling them and hearing them. And in the last several years, she was a fearless, determined, committed advocate for ovarian cancer prevention and treatment.

I will remember Wendy for all these things, but most of all for her unconditional friendship and support. She left this world too soon, but she left it leaving me and so many others with the best of memories and the desire to be like her—a lover of life and a fighter to the very end.

“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you”. Philippians 1:3

If you want to honor Wendy's memory, join me in donating to ovarian cancer research so that others will not have to endure this horrible disease.