My Mortal Musings

The Best Gift

2010-08-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

The best gift that I ever got
Didn't really weigh a lot
It didn't have a ribbon 'round
And it sometimes made a terrible sound.
But best of all it seems to me
It wasn't neath the Christmas tree
And yet, I guess I'd have to say
That it made all the other presents twice as gay.
The best gift that I've ever known
I'd always wanted most to own
Yet in my dreams of sugar and spice
I never thought it could be so nice.
The best gift that I'd ever get
Was sometimes dry and sometimes wet
Was usually pink but oftentimes red
As it lay so innocently in its bed.
The best gift of the year to me
The one I hold most dear to me
A gift that simply drove me wild
Was a tiny new born child...

Happy 29th Birthday to my sweet baby girl
Who still, after all these years, makes me smile.
I love you to the moon and back again, to the stars and around again,
Mom

Saving Grace

2010-06-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the last night of the Saving Grace series on TNT. I have to admit that when I first started watching this series I wondered where it was headed. Tonight's final episode ended in Grace's sacrifice of her own life. She gave her life to destroy an evil that was out to destroy others.

The intensity of this show is beyond words. During the course of this series we've seen what it means to be controlled by your pain, haunted by your past, and how it's impossible to make any of that go away without God. Perhaps some might say the show was not a good representation of who God is, but for me, Grace goes through some of the most in-depth soul searching any human could ever imagine.

What did this show mean to me? It showed me what it means to pour yourself into the lives of others, without concern for your own happiness. It showed me the meaning of true friendship and unconditional love. It showed me that you can't put God into a box and that each of us has our own spiritual journey to walk.

I'm going to miss having Grace in my life every week. And I'm going to miss the way the show challenged me to look at God through different eyes and see evil for it really is. Grace walked into her destiny once she knew the peace of God. That's a profound lesson that we all should learn.

R.I.P Grace,
Walden Fan

For those of us who have fought this disease

2010-05-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

The falacy of the uninsured

2010-05-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Opinions. We all have them. And the debate over the uninsured in this country is no exception. Government subsidized healthcare seems to be the wish of all uninsured. But are they really uninsured? And when this bill is put into action, will it solve their problems?

There isn't anyone in this country that is truly uninsured. Every county hospital in the country is obliged to treat you when you walk in--insurance or not. Do you get the best healthcare? At times yes, at times no. But that's the case for those of us that have insurance.

Those of us that have insurance do so because we know that it's not a discrecanary item, it's a necessity. We give up things to have it. It's like food and housing. And I pay for other people's healthcare who can't afford it when I pay taxes. This includes people who need help and even people who are not citizens of this country. Most of the time, I'm willing to do my part.

But here's what bothers me: when people EXPECT to have health coverage without paying for it AND complain when they have to wait for an appointment. Or when they continue to have babies and can't afford to pay for them or their health coverage after they are born. Or when they participate in risky behavior, knowing full well that if something happens they don't have insurance to cover the accident. Or when people who don't chose to have insurance, run to the hospital every time they have a fever or a runny nose and expect to be treated.

It's all going to change with Obama care. Those who complained about being uninsured will be forced to pay for insurance. If not, they will be fined. Then we will see how much they like the new healthcare coverage. Personally, it won't affect me. I've paid for coverage for over 35 years. Have I used it? Three times: when I had both my children, and when I got cancer. But I was responsible to know that living without health insurance was an irresponsible act. Yes there were times I could not afford it. But I gave up something else so I could have it. There were times we weren't covered by a company plan. We found private insurance on our own. That's what responsible adults with children do.

Are there really millions of uninsured people in this country? No. I pay for them to have health coverage with my yearly income taxes. So while they complain about having to wait for an appointment for hours, or the fact that they can't find a clinic that will see them in a reasonable amount of time, I'll keep paying for them to have free healthcare because I'm a responsible citizen of this country and that's what we do.

But honestly, I don't have to like it.
Walden Fan

Those defining moments

2010-03-06T15:47:00.000-08:00

We all have those moments that happen in our lives that change how we look at our lives and the people who are a part of them. I had several of those moments this past week. Definitive moments that caused me to realize how our lives can change in an instant; how precious and valuable every day is; and how much I value those who are close to me, including and especially my family. And when I say family, it includes some very special people who I have come to consider family (even though we aren't genetically related).

You don't realize how much your children have grown up until you "need" them. And when you need them and they step up and are there for you, it is a defining moment in your life. I've always said that we never stop being parents (no matter how old our children are), but it's an "ah-ha" moment when you need your children to carry you, and they do. Last week, my children carried me, and I have to say, it felt like nothing I have ever experienced. They took away all my anxiety and carried me through some extremely painful days of fear, dread and "not knowing". It relieved me of worry and helped me realize that I didn't always have to be the strong one.

I've always loved my children, and been extremely proud of them; but after last week, my admiration for them is beyond measure. And I can't help but be especially proud of the fact that they have grown into competent, capable, loving and compassionate adults.

Walden Fan

Thoughts inside my head

2010-01-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

I was browsing at my favorite bookstore today, and I came across this quote by Ernest Hemingway: "The writer must write what he has to say. Not speak it." Needless to say, I can relate. Those thoughts inside my head whirl around and around until I have to get them out. It's what I've always loved to do. Years ago it was poetry; intensely emotional and extremely passionate. Those words inside my head were clamoring to get out.

The problem: There are so many words at random moments that when I can't just stop and write. So I jot them down on to stickers, in the notes on my phone, on my laptop, and in a notepad I carry in my purse. And then, once they are down, I quickly forget about them. It's as if once they are written somewhere, the thoughts are gone. And therein lies the problem--trying to gather all those disjointed thoughts into a completely finished work that makes sense. Or even finishing at least one of those written creations and putting the final touches and saying, "The End".

Perhaps one day in the not so distant future I'll actually finish that book I started in 2006. Or dust of that collection of poetry and get it published. And perhaps one day I'll finish that book about breast cancer that seems to have taken on a life of its own. I wonder if Thoreau ever felt this way at Walden Pond when he was jotting down his thoughts. "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Yes...I believe he did.

Perhaps one day,
Walden Fan

Wedding Slideshows

2009-12-11T20:34:00.001-08:00

Viva Las Vegas

Before the Wedding

The Wedding

The Wedding Dinner

My daughter's Wedding

2009-10-12T10:09:00.001-07:00

These past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I've been stressed because of work deadlines and wedding preparations. But this past Friday, it was all worth it. My daughter was the most beautiful bride and I was a very proud mother. Words can't express the joy I felt watching her say those vows of commitment and listening while Dan's aunt who performed the ceremony talked about how she reminds me so much of my mother. She is and always will be the joy of my life. I wish my Mom could have been there...but she was in spirit, smiling from heaven and rejoicing that Jillian has found her soul mate.

There is no greater joy than to share this day with your daughter and to know that you were a part of making that day special for her. I will never forget the past few days we both shared together and the memories will last forever.

Remembering a Favorite Scripture

2009-09-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was reading Jeremiah 32 tonight and I came across one of my favorite scriptures:

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?

That verse brought back so many memories of times when The Word seemed so alive and powerful in my life. I remember finding that verse during a particularly difficult time. And I recall grabbing on to it and holding tight until I made it through to the other side.

It was a reminder to me that no matter what you are struggling with or how difficult the days are, there is nothing too hard for God. He can turn any situation around and give us victory. He can make what was once old, new again. And He can raise us up when we are feeling down.

Standing on the promises,
Walden Fan

Do women just want to be rescued?

2009-08-17T22:09:00.001-07:00

I was watching "Sex and the City" tonight on TBS and that was Carrie's line. Actually Charlotte made the statement referring to a comment about why firemen are so cute. "Because women just want to be rescued." I got to thinking..do we?

Here are the facts:

We dream about the day we will get married from the time we are little girls
We look for that special soul mate to complete us
We want someone to support us financially so we can be mothers and PTA presidents

Yep. The simple fact is that is true. I'd like a man to rescue me. I'll admit it.

Maybe that's because it's the way God made us. We are supposed to feel that way. Because honestly, if we didn't, He knew we would NEVER choose to live our lives with the male species.

That's certainly some food for thought.
Walden Fan

"Defiance"--A story about survival

2009-07-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie tonight that has certainly driven me into deep thought. It was a movie about an obscure group of Jews who survived in the forests of Russia against all odds, hiding from the Germans. 1200 of them survived and those who did have grown to hundreds of thousands over the years. Three brothers led this community of Jews through ambushes, harsh winters, trekking through bogs and surviving on root vegetables. They rescued 100's of Jews from a village where the Nazi's were executing them on a daily basis.

It's hard to watch something like that and not ask yourself what do we really have to complain about. Yes, the economy is bad. Times, in our minds, are hard. But most of us have food, a roof over our heads, freedom and luxuries that the rest of the world sees and views us as spoiled Americans. It's a sobering thought to imagine having to fight for our very existence and we are complaining about not having any air conditioning, or broken hard drives, or cars with flat tires.

Sometimes I think God must shake his head and wonder why we can't see all of our blessings. It certainly is a lesson in thankfulness.

Walden Fan

In the beginning...

2009-07-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
John 1: 1-5

If I had to pick a favorite passage of scripture this would be it. I have always been in love with the Word. I can't explain how it makes me feel when I read it, or how I feel connected to the Father when it penetrates into my heart and soul. I've always valued "the Word" and always valued what it says about God.

I'm inspired tonight to do a study about "the Word" by using the Word. It's fascinating how Jesus was the living Word.
Walden Fan

If money wasn't an issue...

2009-06-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

...I would:
live in Paris.
pay off all my kids debts.
give my daughter the most extravagant wedding ever.
buy two miniature dachshunds.
self publish both of my books.
walk away from this house that is falling apart around me.
visit my friend in Australia.
have someone do my accounting and taxes.

If money wasn't an issue...money is ALWAYS an issue.
Walden Fan

The Shack

2009-06-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "The Shack". My brother gave it to me about a month ago. He wanted to see what I thought because he had read it and had some misgivings about the content. I had several friends who had read it as well and loved it. So I set out to read it and form my own opinion. After completing it, I can say it had an affect on me. More so than I had anticipated.

For those people who are not sure about how they feel about God, it's a must read. As long as you take it as fiction and an allegory of your spiritual walk with God. I've had friends ask me, "Why, when bad things happen, does God allow it?" This book does the best job of explaining that than any other I have ever read. Especially for those that have not been raised on the Bible or been taught scripture.

The other topic I believe was explained clearly was the "relationship vs religion" aspect of God. So many people look at God as a religion. This book explains very clearly what it means to be in a relationship with God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Since the main character asked many questions of God that we all have asked at one time or another, the answers laid it out simply and clearly: it's not about following a religion, it's about having a relationship with God.

That said, there were a few things mentioned that I had a hard time swallowing. But, for the most part, I found most of the answers to be Biblically based.

Here's my favorite passage from the book:

Religion must use law to empower itself and control the people who they need in order to survive. I give you an ability to respond and your response is to be free to love and serve in every situation, and therefore each moment is different and unique and wonderful. Because I am your ability to respond, I have to present it to you. If I simply give you a responsibility, I would not have to be with you at all. It would now be a task to perform, and obligation to be met, something to fail. Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that expectancy to an expectation--spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into your relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead things with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, ore the responsibilities of a good friend. Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value. You know well what it is like not to live up to someone's expectations.

I've thought about this passage for days. I wish we could all grasp this in all of our relationships, not just with God, but with one another.

While you can't throw away the basic importance of gathering together with other believers for ministry, you also can't throw away the importance of that relationship with God. It's the basis of everything. There are some very excellent points made in this book. Organized religion may stand back and gasp, but, you can't discount the fact that there are many people who need to see that God is not a God of rules and regulations.

Decide for yourself. Pick up a copy and read it today. Let me know what you think,
Walden Fan

Two movies---two completely different endings

2009-06-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I saw two movies; both of them love stories. One had a happy ending; the other ended tragically. I suppose somewhere in the middle of the two is real life.

The first movie, The Proposal, was your typical happy ending love story. The man and woman who started out hating each other, end up falling in love and ending happily ever after. They were from two different worlds and grew up in completely different family backgrounds. But somehow they found love in common and began to see that they really weren't that different after all.

The second movie, Revolutionary Road, was a love story that ended tragically. The man and woman fell in love quite quickly, but became disillusioned by the reality of life. They sacrificed their dreams and settled in a suburban lifestyle where the husband went off to work and the wife stayed home with the kids. Neither were happy and nor could they find peace with their choices.

While we would always like to believe that life is more like the first movie, and less like the second one, there were some realities that emerged from both.

Sometimes people from two different worlds can find happiness.
What you see on the surface is not always what lies beneath.
Compromising your dreams might cause you extreme unhappiness.
You can find value and purpose in your life, even though it's not what you expected.
If you have someone who believes in you, you can find happiness and regain your passion.

Personally, I go to the movies to escape. But, many times I find unexpected truths.

See you at the movies,
Walden Fan

If I could turn back time...

2009-06-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

...would I? Yes. I'd erase all the hurt. Take away all the pain. And go back to the time when we understood each other and knew what the other person was going to say before they said it.

But... can you really go back in time? Can you take back words that were said in anger? Can you erase the pain caused by those words? Can you change the outcome of something that seemed to be inevitable?

I wonder...
Walden Fan

Non-confrontation Confrontation

2009-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

It's always amazed me how easy it is for some people to fling veiled confrontations without saying what is really on their mind. Some people might call it sarcasm; I call it non-confrontation confrontation. Most of these are done in emails and text messages, and even on blogs. Why? Because it's easier to hide what you really feel when the person can't hear your voice or see your face. Plus it also shields you on some level from the response you don't want to hear. You can hit delete or ignore and the unwelcome message is gone.

Trying to decipher the non-confrontation confrontations,
Walden Fan

It's Mother's Day again...

2009-05-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

...and I still miss you.
Love and hugs and see you again one day,
Suzanne

Grieving

2009-04-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

Grieving can apply to so much more than a death. You can grieve over all types of losses: friends, jobs, and even missed opportunities. You can even grieve over what might have been. There is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with a loss. Some deal with it immediately, and others push it away for another day. Grief can take years before it subsides, or after a long, hard cry it can be replaced by peace.

Tonight, it just hit me. I don't know what happened except I read something that brought it all crashing in on me. It feels like a loss so overwhelming I can't recover. A hole is left that I know from experience will never be filled. All I can hope for it that in time the grief will give way to some peace and I will be able to move forward knowing that this loss was unavoidable. I can also hope that at some point God will take it all and make some sense of the "whys". But for now, the grief pushes in on my heart,

And you begin again,
Sometimes you lose,
Sometimes you win,
But you begin again.
Even though your heart is breaking
In time, the sun will shine
And you'll begin again.
You'll begin again.

Hoping that "in time the sun will shine",
Walden Fan

The Folded Napkin

2009-04-12T07:27:00.001-07:00

Years ago, in ancient Biblical times, there was a tradition related to the cloth (napkin) that was used at mealtime. Tradition tells us that this napkin was used as a sign to indicate whether or not the master was finished with his meal when he left the table or was leaving temporarily and would return. If he was finished with his meal, he would crumble up the napkin and throw it on the table. If he was not finished, he would neatly fold the napkin and place it beside the the plate, signifying he would return to finish the meal.

As with all traditions, their significance is always important.

Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the napkin that had covered Jesus’ head was
folded up and lying apart from the other wrappings.
(John 20:6-7)

Have a blessed Easter!
Awaiting His return,

Walden Fan

Writing

2009-04-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today...I need to write. It's an outlet for my emotions; and today my emotions need an outlet. Why? Because I'm perplexed. I consider myself to be a good communicator. I can usually take words and use them to formulate an argument, explanation or get my point across. At the very least, once they are read they are usually understood for what they are meant to express. Today. Not so much. Today I tried as hard as I could to write the words my heart was feeling, and for some reason, I came up short. I've been coming up short quite often lately with my words, and I'm not exactly sure how to fix it or change things.

I feel like Helen Keller. Trying to communicate and yet unable to because there's a barrier there that's keeping my words from penetrating into the heart. Each time I try, I fail. And each time I fail it evokes anger. It appears that the barrier will not come down, so I'm faced with failure and an unresolved conflict.

Frustrated,
Walden Fan

Today

2009-03-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my grandmother's birthday. We shared the same birthday and every year I would forget hers. I'm not sure why. But I did. You would think that it would have been the easiest birthday to remember, because we shared the same day. But every year I would call her a few days later and plead stupidity because I forgot.

The funny thing is, that since she's been gone (almost 20 years) I always remember. And it makes me a little sad. Sad because I didn't value her enough while she was here to make it a priority to at least remember her birthday. I wish I could get back all those missed opportunities, but I can't. So here, today, in my own way, I'm letting her know that I miss her. And if I could, I'd give her a huge birthday hug and kiss.

Happy Birthday Grandmother (give Mom a hug for me today too...I miss you both)
Walden Fan

The Struggle

2009-03-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

"For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do,
that I do not practice;
but what I hate, that I do...For the good that I will to do, I do not do;
but the evil I will not to do, that I practice."
Romans 7:15, 19

It's the classic struggle we all face every day. Our human nature, apart from God and His influence, tends to veer toward the dark side. We want to do what's right, but sometimes we find it hard. Our sin nature pulls us in and drags us into behaviors and actions that we know are wrong and harmful to our body, our soul and our spirit.

Every day we have to choose: will we obey God or will we obey our sinful nature. That nature that only brings us down and pull us away from our true purpose in this life. The path of righteousness is not easy. But the rewards we will find in this life and in eternity, make it worth the struggle.

Struggling,
Texas Fan

Tiffanys

2009-03-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

"If I could find a real life place that makes me feel like Tiffanys
I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name"
-Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffanys

My daughter and I have a thing we do. When we travel to a new city, we look for a Tiffanys store. It's tradition. Our very first visit to Tiffanys was in New York City on our first trip there after her high school graduation. We had to go. That movie was our favorite Hepburn classic and we wanted to see for ourselves if it was true. Could Tiffanys possibly be as magical a place as it seemed in the movie?

"Nothing bad could ever happen at Tiffanys...it's the ONLY cure for the mean reds!" And you know, Holly was right. Over the years, Tiffanys has been that place for us. In New York. In Boston. In Paris. In London. In Dallas. In Las Vegas. In San Antonio. They are there waiting to wisk us away into a place where all is right with the world and nothing bad ever happens. When we walk through those doors, as we have so many times, we smile and remember that first time we entered the one on 5th Avenue. It was one of those moments that you never forget. A moment we shared. A moment that reminds me of how wonderfully simple life can be at times.

Wishing I were at Tiffanys tonight,
Walden Fan

Words

2009-03-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

Our words can encourage, discourage, destroy, uplift, hurt, enlighten, help, and most importantly, be misinterpreted or ignored. How do we avoid having our words perceived in a negative way? How do we say what we mean and mean what we say? How do we get those people who mean so much to us to truly listen to what we are saying?

Because honestly, I'm wondering. Sometimes we talk until we are blue in the face and those closest to us don't listen. Then other times we say just one thing in a vulnerable moment and it gets taken out of context and blown out of proportion. How can you commit years to a relationship and that person not know you? Is it because you never said what you felt? Or is it because they just didn't listen?

I'm just wondering...
Walden Fan

Basement People

2009-03-18T06:18:00.001-07:00

One of my mother's favorite books during her long battle with cancer was "Balcony People" by Joyce Landorf. It wasn't a very long book, but it became priceless to her during those four years and after she passed away, I inherited it. In a moment of sentimentality, I passed that book on to someone. Today, I wish I had it. I sure could use it's words of encouragement.

The premise of the book was this--we all have two kinds of people in our lives: basement people and balcony people. The basement people spend their lives dragging us down into their pits of despair, discouraging us, throwing cold water on our dreams, and for the most part, making us miserable.The balcony people are the ones who encourage us to dream, believe in ourselves, and boost our self esteem by cheering us on. According to the author, it takes about 20 balcony people to counteract the affects of one basement person. And...we all tend to have more basement people in our lives than balcony people.

One of my friends likens those basement people in our lives to albatrosses around our necks, weighing us down. I like that analogy. I know that's how I've felt at times. And when you feel that way the hardest thing to do is look up in the balcony and see those cheering. The Bible speaks of these people in Hebrews as a "cloud of witnesses" who have been there, done that, and are in heaven cheering us on to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us". I know my mother, father and great aunt are standing in that balcony in heaven cheering for me every day.

So even though I feel dragged down at times, I know that there are those in my life and those who have gone before me, cheering me on.

Looking up,
Walden Fan

Are we slaves to technology?

2009-03-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

We went to the movies this weekend and two teenagers spent the first 30 minutes of the show texting. After having to stare at the bright screens in front of us, someone went to the management and they were asked to leave. It never ceases to amaze me that people can't turn their cellphones off for 90 minutes and watch a movie uninterrupted.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like a slave to all this new technology. We can't go anywhere without our trusty cellphones. We can't turn the computers off for 24 hours. We have to notify everyone of what we are doing on Twitter and Facebook. We have to check our emails every morning or our day has not begun. And heaven forbid if our computers crash. We are all out of whack until it is fixed.

There are days like today that I long for the days when I didn't have an internet connection, email account, Facebook page, or cellphone. The funny thing is that now that I have them, I think I can't live without them.

Here's a question for you: is technology helping us or has it become our master?

When you hear those words

2009-03-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday evening my phone rang and when I looked at the incoming number I saw it was my daughter. She said, "Mom, I have some news." I have to tell you I wasn't expecting to hear the next words that came out of her mouth, "I'm engaged!". Wow.

I can't tell you the emotions that came over me at that moment. I was excited. I was happy. I was overwhelmed. I was even sad. Excited because every parent wants their child to find their soulmate. Happy because I could hear the excitement in her voice. Overwhelmed because my mind rushed ahead to all the preparation, planning and expense involved with a wedding. Sad because my Mom and Dad weren't here to share this moment with me.

When your kids are born, especially your daughters, you dream about that moment. The moment when they find love and are so excited about their future. The reactions I've received have been mixed from family and friends. Some said, "it's about time". Others were overjoyed. And still others were skeptical it would happen. I wondered how you can take the joy out of this moment with such skepticism and negativity. But I guess when you've lived life sometimes you don't have so much hope in true love.

For me, hearing my daughter tell me all about the proposal and how "different" she feels made me realize that love does still exist in its purest form and she has truly found her soulmate.

The happy couple

Proud mother,
Walden Fan

Surburban Life

2009-03-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

This morning I was awakened by an annoying neighbor. My husband has nicknamed him "Bumpkus", after the infamous Bumpkus neighbors on A Christmas Story. When he first moved in I knew he was a strange sort as he proceeded to grind the bricks on his entire house and paint them orange. Then he proceeded to replace the windows in front, which is perfectly normal, but he replaced them both at odd angles. He proceeded to chop the tree down in front halfway, leaving a trunk (not a stump) but a trunk. And finally he removed all his grass with a rototill and did not replace it. It resembles a Dr. Seuss house now. Something you might find in a children's novel.

His latest activity involves car collecting. I wouldn't mind so much if he worked on one at a time, but he has managed to put 5 clunkers in his front yard, along with a camper shell trailer wedged in between the tree trunk and the crooked windows of the house. This morning he was under one of his clunker cars grinding away at 6am. He wears earphones. The rest of the neighbors have to endure this noise for hours on end. It's much like the constant drip of a faucet that causes mind-numbing histeria if listened to without any break.

It never ceases to amaze me that every neighborhood always has one noisemaker. We are blessed with a plethora of annoying sounds. A barking dog that is tied up outside and yaps all day and night. A house filled with gangster rap loving teenagers and their low rider cars that blast the music all hours of the night. And now Bumpkus, who seems to find pleasure in rising early and cursing us with his constant grinding, drilling and sanding.

The joys of suburban life...
Walden Fan

PS Now I know why Thoreau went to the woods!

Queen of the Moral Majority

2009-03-02T05:37:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, on a fan site that I frequently visit and comment on, someone gave me the title "The Queen of the Moral Majority". I'm most definitely sure it was not a compliment. It was a bash at my attempt to try and provide some much needed common sense to a "girls gone wild" event online.

It seems no matter how hard so many of us try, they just don't get it. They don't understand that you can fantasize all you want in private, but to put those fantasies online, you open yourself and the person you are fantasizing about to attack from the media. Unfortunately, it's a vicious world out there and many journalists are looking for any and everything to use against persons with integrity. They want the scoop: that story that will get them noticed. Even if it's a story about a group of well-intentioned women expressing their love for a male celebrity.

When I think about all the bashing I got over the weekend for posting a blog about respect, I realize that they actually paid me a compliment. I'll take that title and wear it proudly. After all, someone has to be the voice of reason. Someone has to tell them to "put a sock in it". They may not listen or change their behavior, but at least I (and several others) spoke the truth and tried, however futile, to stand up for what was right. I learned many years ago that when you stand for what is right, you should always expect to be met with opposition. It comes with the territory.

Wearing the title proudly,
Walden Fan (aka The Queen of the Moral Majority)

My pin collection

2009-02-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my comfy chair daydreaming. I don't do that often. But this morning I'm having one of those deep-in-thought moments. And my eye is drawn to my pin collection. It's a rather odd sort of hobby. I have no idea when I started collecting them. But about 2 years ago I decided to put them in a display case so I could admire them more easily. When I built the case I had no idea how many I had collected over the years until I started placing them in the frame.

It's not so much the pins that give me joy. It's the memories attached to them. There's one in there from Atlantic City that I got when I made a trip there with two friends after seeing Barry Manilow in Philadelphia. There's a pin of the Eiffel Tower that I picked up when I was in Paris visiting my daughter. I have a pin commemorating my one perfect family moment at WaltDisneyworld before my son left for the Marines. My son brought me one from Bavaria when he was there in the military. I have a pin I purchased when my daughter and I went to my first Red Sox game at Fenway Park. And one I got when my son and I saw the Rangers play the Astros in Houston. I have a pin that I purchased when I flew to London to celebrate my daughter's 21st birthday at the Ritz Carlton. All my Las Vegas pins are in there as well, commemorating some of the best times of my life. And there is a corner that displays my father's Gideon, Lions Club, and Chiropractor pins.

These pins hold my memories and they remind me that it's not about what you accumulate over your life that matters. It's about the people that you love and how you spend those moments that truly count.

These pins represent my treasured moments,
Walden Fan

Texting, Emailing, IMs and Tweets

2009-02-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

Today has been an interesting day for me. I've realized with a bit of alarming concern what is happening with relationships. We just don't talk any more. We text. We send Twitter messages. We email. We instant message. We leave comments on Facebook and MySpace.

I was chatting with a friend who had a fight with her best friend last night, all on text messaging. It never occurred to them to pick up the phone and talk, or just drive over to one another's house and hash it out when they lived blocks away from each other. And this is not the first time she has fought with someone via text messaging. While she was explaining to me her conversation, and the implications she perceived coming from the other end of the cellphone, I began to realize how absolutely insane it all had become. You can't tell a person's true feelings in a text message. You can't discern their intent. You can't know what they were trying to say or felt. You need to have an actual conversation, in person, with back and forth interaction to truly communicate.

I fear our relationships are suffering greatly because we're mistaking communication via technology for relationships. Can you really discern a person's true intent from any of these mediums? I have to wonder.

Here's an interesting article on this topic: Social websites harm children's brains.

L8R,
Walden Fan

Enough Already

2009-02-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

Ok. We get it. Times are tough. Vegas is hurting. Banks are going under. The economy is in the skids. The Dow keeps falling. Enough already.

If I have to turn on one more news program discussing how horrible things are right now I'm going to scream. You know what I like? The Allstate commercials. They are my idea of how to handle the current signs of the times.

Let's all stop talking gloom and doom and start focusing on the positive. Negativity never helps. And if I remember correctly President Obama said something along those lines on January 21st.

Back to Basics,
Walden Fan

Tragedy

2009-02-13T13:25:00.000-08:00

This past week has been riddled with tragedy for me. Not personal, but shared. Shared with the Australians of whom I feel a small kinship because of my close friend who lives near Melbourne, and shared with the families of the passengers of the Continental flight that crashed last night in New York. Even though I don't know these people personally, my heart breaks for their losses. And I search for reasons. And I ask myself why. And I am reminded that life is so incredibly fragile.

Late Saturday evening I opened up my email to find a story about the Australian fires. And my heart sunk. I was not sure how close they came to my friend, knowing she has been fearful of the fires for weeks now. I couldn't sleep the entire night and my heart breathed a sigh of relief when I opened my email the next morning to find a message from her. I can't even begin to imagine how all those families feel, waiting for news of their loved ones. Hoping they are safe somehow in the midst of all the tragedy.

Last night I turned the cable news on before retiring to hear about the plane crash. I don't care how old I get, news of this kind just cracks my heart in two. I think about all the times my children and friends have flown and how I can't wait to hear from them that they have landed safely. Just recently my daughter flew home from Boston and encountered so much turbulence during the landing in Dallas the entire flight filled with passengers was shaken.

Having lost loved ones over the years and some to unexpected tragedy, I can sense the pain these families all feel right now. When these things happen we look for the smallest of triumphs and victories and try and focus on those. And even though the loss of human life can't begin to compare, the country of Australia has found comfort and solace in a koala named Sam. Somehow, in the worst of circumstances she managed to survive the fire and is recovering in an animal shelter.

If you want to help our Aussie friends, click here to link to the Victoria Red Cross. They can certainly use our help. After all, God created all of us and we are all family in his eyes.

God bless and comfort those who are suffering today,
Walden Fan

My Kind of Town

2009-02-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I ADORE Boston. And while it's gorgeous in the summer, winter in Boston is the most wonderful time of year for me. Probably because I've never lived there. Those who do hate the winters. It's one of the reasons my daughter moved back to Texas.

At any rate, I'm on my way up there this weekend to spend a few days in my beloved city (if the airlines cooperate-I'm stuck in Houston as I write this). I'm attending the 30th birthday party of one of my "adopted" daughters. I met her while my daughter was in college up there and she and I instantly clicked. That just happens with some people. We have our own "language" and she loves me unconditionally.

So what could be better? Seeing one of the special people in my life in the city I love has to be at the top of my list of great ways to spend a weekend. On my list of things to do: Stephanie's on Newbury Street, a party at Patriot's stadium, a stroll in the Back Bay area and a drive through Bentley College (now a University) to reminisce.

My kind of town...Boston,
Walden Fan

Here's a good laugh this morning

2009-02-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

For those of you that have elderly parents or grandparents you will be able to relate to this. I can't tell you the times I tried to get my father and great aunt to understand technology. Their brains were not made that way!

One day, this will be me!
Walden Fan

Some Days are Like That

2009-02-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there is gum in my hair...
I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

When my children were little, one of their favorite books was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. There's something about this book that everyone, even adults, can relate to.

This morning, I felt like Alexander. I woke up with a sore back out of a lousy dream, feeling overwhelmed. When I went outside to replace my flat tire on my bike, the other tire was flat. Then I decided to hang a new erase board and dropped the nails for it somewhere in the carpet (which I cannot find). After aborting that project, I moved on to my color printer/scanner in an attempt to make a birthday present for someone, only to find the printer and the computer were unable to communicate. Abandoning that project, I phoned FedEx to sit on the line with them for 30 minutes trying to ship 3 boxes from one person to another using my account, only to discover that it could have been done 3 days ago if the inept FedEx rep had known what he was doing. All of this before 9am.

Every time Alexander had something wrong happen to him that day he told his Mom he was moving to Australia. Well move over Alexander, I'm coming! (Kim...get that room ready!) I can't help but wonder what the rest of the day has in store for me. Alexander's Mom had an answer for him...

Some days are like that, even in Australia,
Walden Fan

Friends

2009-01-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

I heard this today. And it seemed to fit what I've been feeling:

I don't want you to walk in front of me so I have to follow;
Or behind me so I can't share the journey with you;
I need you to walk along side me and hold my hand so we can travel the road together.

If you have a friend that does this with you, they are worth their weight in gold. Friendship never really can be over or underestimated.

Walden Fan

Mothers and Sons

2009-01-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

This week has started off rather odd for me. For some reason I woke up feeling a bit sad. Everything all day was bothering me. Then I suddenly realize what might be wrong--I miss my son. This week he will turn 30 and while it might be a milestone for him, it feels like a milestone for me as well.

Sons are a unique breed. From the time they are born they are moving toward independence. And while every parent wants their children to grow and move forward, it's hard with each life passage: school, graduation, the military, moving away from home, college and final independence. Even while he was in the Marines he phoned home periodically and checked in with us on a regular basis. At several points throughout his quest for independence he moved back home and I grew accustomed to having him around.

This last phase of complete independence (and much needed on his part) has been the hardest of all for me. I miss our chats, and debates. I miss cooking together and talking about life during the process. I'm sure there are many reasons why I rarely see him any more. He has his friends and his life and works more than 40 hours a week. His life is busy and there's little time for much else.

It's hard to believe that 30 years have flown by this fast. It was only yesterday he was playing with GI Joes in his bedroom and dreaming of being in the military one day. It was only yesterday that he talked about going to college in Boston. Both dreams came true for him and I'm sure he has even more he has yet to see fulfilled.

So even though I might be sad today and miss having him in my daily life, I'm also proud of what he has accomplished and pray for him to find his place in this life and have all his future dreams, goals and aspirations come true.

Happy Birthday Ryan,
Mom (Walden Fan)

The Future of America

2009-01-22T10:43:00.001-08:00

The past few days I have watched with mixed emotions the events that have unfolded in Washington. I understand that it was a very proud day for African Americans. As well it should have been. I understand that so many people were tired of the current administration and just wanted a change. I get it. I really do. But it just bothers me that so many of the proposed policies of President Obama and the democratic party are pulling this country further and further away from God and into the hands of big government.

A few months ago I was reminded of these verses:

I Samuel 8:4-10, 19-21
So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, "You are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have." But when they said, "Give us a king to lead us," this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. And the Lord told him: "Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. As they have done from the day I brought them up over Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will do." Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking him for a king...But the people refused to listen to Samuel. "No!" they said. "We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles." When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord. The Lord answered, "Listen to them and give them a king."

When Saul became king he did exactly what God told Israel he would do. He took away their land. Put their children to work and into military service. Used all the country's resources to wage his own personal battles. The nation of Israel suffered greatly at the hands of Saul until Israel realized they made a terrible mistake and pleaded for God to intervene.

I fear our country got exactly what they asked for: a king. Not in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense as it relates to these verses.

Praying for President Obama and America,
Walden Fan

Walden

2009-01-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

I've been rereading Walden by Thoreau. The man was a considered a simpleton in his time. And if you read this book, you'll understand why. However, in the midst of his simple ramblings about life, there is great wisdom and truth. He gets to the bare bones of what life is about and finds the words to simply state what we can all easily understand. One of them, has definitely sparked my thought process over the last few days:

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate.

We all define and determine our paths in life by the the opinion we have of ourselves. Can we succeed? Are we capable of overcoming? Are we good enough? Do we have what it takes to start over? Is it possible to be a winner? There is great truth in Thoreau's observation.

Those opinions drive us to succeed or fail. They make us keep trying or they cause us to give up. They mold and shape our futures based on what we believe we are capable of pursuing. The question is and always has been, can we change how we feel about ourselves?

Pondering the question,
Walden Fan

Mortality

2009-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

I just received the news today that my last living aunt passed away. It hit me hard because of two things: she was the last living relative on my mother's side of the family other than my generation, and it made me aware of my own mortality.

I guess I've been aware of it for quite a long time. I was fairly young when my mother passed away and that began the realization that we are all here on this earth for a short time. When my great aunt passed away a few years ago at 96, we all stood at her graveside and recalled all the great memories we had of our lives with her. She was the matriarch of our family. The solid rock that kept all of us together and afloat. Her passing was a tremendous loss in the family. And today my aunt's passing is as well.

Thoreau says, "most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them". The lesson in death, is to live. Live your life to the fullest so that when your day comes, you have "lived deliberately". Live your life so that those you leave behind are left with your legacy and the memories that help them through the grief.

I wrote about my aunt months ago in a book I am writing. Here's the excerpt:

One particular day we had all gone to the beach, as was our usual practice in the summers. I had just been given one of the newest types of Polaroid black and white cameras: you could develop the picture immediately after it was taken. I was making my way around the beach, taking photos of all my aunts, uncles and cousins. One of my aunts was particularly camera shy. She kept running from me, avoiding the inevitable. I was a persistent little kid. I was determined to get a photo of my aunt with my new camera. After thinking I had given up, she walked away from me, confident that she had won the battle. I quickly snapped my camera, getting a lovely picture of her backside. Once the picture was developed, we all laughed and laughed about the “family photo” of my aunt’s posterior. I know she laughed so hard she peed in her pants that day. I still have that photo and smile every time I remember her laughing as I developed it.

I have wonderful memories of my aunt as a child. And I will keep those memories with me forever. Her legacy? She always made me laugh. What a GREAT legacy!

Rest in Peace Jodee...I will miss you,
Suzanne

The Road Less Traveled

2009-01-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

I've never been much of a follower. Or one who conforms to the crowd. I've always taken the road less traveled, not the path of least resistance. Many times I throw away reason to follow my convictions. This path is never popular or well-liked. I've been given all kinds of labels because of it: rebel, trouble maker, infidel, jealous witch..you name it. It's hard standing on principle and even harder when you get personally attacked.

Sometimes the road less traveled can be lonely as well. Those around you get gun shy because they don't want to get caught in the crossfire. So you stand on the mountain with your convictions and brace yourself for the onslaught. It always comes. But no matter how much attack or verbal abuse, I won't veer off that road or take the easiest way. Because there are battles to be fought, principles to stand on and values to be held up.

Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost

Traveling that road less traveled,
Walden Fan

My List

2009-01-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not big into lists. But today I had a million things running around in my head and I had to put them down on paper. I was hoping that once I did I wouldn't feel quite as overwhelmed and be able to make some sort of order out of it. Once I made the list, I thought I'd label each to do item in the list: daily, weekly, monthly, and big project.

When my son was in the first grade, we determined that he had a learning disability. I think he must have gotten it from me. He used to get overwhelmed with his assignments. So much so he couldn't complete any of them because seeing the entire list of them on the chalkboard overwhelmed him so much he just gave up before he started. I sat there and looked at my list and I just wanted to give up.

But...there is a solution. Cover all but one item and focus on that one item until you get it completed. Then uncover the next. It was a lifesaver for my son and it may be the lifesaver I need as well. It might just be why I can't seem to finish one thing because I "multi-task". I do 100 different things all at the same time and can't focus on any of them.

Having an epiphany,
Walden Fan

An INCONSIDERATE world

2009-01-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in the drive-thru line at the bank this morning and I realized just how inconsiderate most people have become. They rarely put anyone else first or let someone go ahead of them at the grocery store if they only have a few items. I have to say that lately I've been shocked when someone actually offers me some courtesy. It's a sad state of affairs when it's an abnormality and not a common occurrence. Lately it seems it's gotten worse and that our world has become a "me" place and not a place where we care about others. Here are some of my observations:

The Bank Drive-Thru
Here's a place where people have absolutely no consideration for anyone else's time constraints. It's a drive-thru. Not a teller to transact numerous bank transactions. Inevitably there is someone in line that a/doesn't have a deposit slip, b/doesn't have a pen, c/wants to ask umpteen questions d/has to send the request back and forth 3 or 4 times to the teller before it's complete. These type of transactions should be handled INSIDE. But...why do they care? They are being helped. It's not their problem.

The Toll Booth
Here's the place where people find it necessary to fumble around in their pockets, purses, change cady and even on the floor of the car to find the appropriate toll. If you know you're going to be going on a toll road, why is it so hard to have that change ready when the toll booth appears? It's a simple act of consideration for the cars in line behind you and the toll person.

The Movies
This is where inconsideration abounds. Why is that people can't get there on time? They arrive when the movie starts and cause all kinds of havoc trying to find 5 seats together. Then they proceed to ask people to move to accommodate them. Not to mention the lack of consideration with the noise level they make eating, drinking, talking, texting, answering cellphones, etc. I do not understand why it is so hard to consider there is a theater of people around you trying to enjoy the movie.

The Highways, Streets, and Parking Lots
Why is it necessary to be first? I don't get it. Is it so difficult to let someone in when you're in line for a light, a freeway entrance, or a parking space? This is one of the easiest and courteous things we can do while driving. And yet, people refuse to budge most of the time. When they do, the other cars honk and complain. Honestly...this one just goes beyond all understanding with me.

The Stores
Lack of consideration abounds in the grocery store. People stop in the middle of aisles to do all sorts of things, blocking cart traffic and making it difficult to get to the shelves you are seeking. How hard would it be to find a non-traffic area and have a conversation? Or move the cart to the side to let someone pass? It's just a simple question: am I in the way? If you are, move.

The Airports
I used to call Southwest the cattle plane. It was always a made rush to be number one in line since they didn't have assigned seating. Now, it's improved somewhat with their numbering boarding pass system. However it still amazes me how people will get so angry because they are number 12 and you are 13 and you are NOT standing behind them in line. It happens with other airlines as well. People push and shove to be at the front of their boarding groups. Get out of the way or you will be plowed down.

I don't know what has happened to this world of ours. People used to say "please" and "thank you". People used to hold the doors open for others. People used to let someone in front of them in line if they saw they were in a hurry or had fewer items. Not any more. It's all about "me" and what do I get out of it and am I going to be inconvenienced because I show a little consideration.

Try something in 2009. Let someone in front of you in line at the store. Just do it because you can. Be considerate at the movies, when you're driving, when you're flying, when you're shopping or when you're out in public. People might look at you like you're a zombie, but who knows, maybe your act of consideration will cause someone else to do the same.

Think about it,
Walden Fan

My 2009 Not-to-do List

2009-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year--the infamous New Year's resolution lists: lose weight, exercise, stop smoking, diet, learn a foreign language, finish that book. We've all made them. Every year we pull out the pencil and paper and we make a list. And by about January 20th we realize we have no intention of doing any of it and that list has become nothing more than a reminder of how we fail.

So this year, after reading an article in Real Simple magazine, I've decided to make a Not-to-do List instead. I challenge you to do the same. Break the pattern of frustration and failure!

1. I won't let myself be caught up in things I have no control over.
I've realized that most of the things I get stressed out about never happen.

2. I'm not going to worry.
It may give you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.

3. I will not try to please everyone.
I've finally realized it's impossible to make everyone happy.

4. I will not save things for "special" occasions.
Every day is a special day and those things can make a routine day more joyful.

5. I will not give in to peer pressure to die my hair.
I've earned every last one of my gray hairs!

6. I won't waste my time with negative people.
It's time to surround myself with people who see the glass half full.

7. I won't over commit.
I'm going to weed out things in my life that are only obligations.

8. I won't say "someday" any more.
Today is the day...carpe diem!

9. I will not take the blame for things that aren't my fault.
Heaven knows there are plenty of things that are.

10. I'm not going to freak out about the economy.
I'll use this time to be more frugal and get back to the basics.

Happy New Year!
Walden Fan

Relatives, non-relatives and the like

2008-12-29T14:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas is behind us and all that's left are the memories. And this year's memories included some typical family-related drama. Some with our family and most with non-family (or not technically) and even some from a blast from the past. Since I'm a huge fan of human theater, this year's events supplied me with hours of entertainment and opportunities to identify behavioral stereotypes.

The Scrooges
These characters exist in my family-namely my husband and son. My husband has carried this from his childhood: perpetuated by his mother and grandmother making the holidays miserable for everyone involved. My son, however, is not technically a scrooge; he pretends to hate Christmas when in reality he actually loves it. How do I know? He takes tremendous time and effort choosing gifts. He knows what he wants to buy and won't settle for anything less. He takes time searching for the perfect stocking stuffers and wants to make sure that every Christmas tradition is in place and in tact as it has always been. He secretly enjoys everything to do about Christmas and yet complains about it every year. I just listen and secretly know it's all a huge smokescreen to cover his emotional attachment to this time of year.

The divorced parents
My daughter's boyfriends parents are divorced and both have remarried. This adds two more family dynamics to holiday drama: arranging meals and Christmases around two more families and their schedules. Honestly, it got to be almost comical. And here's the thing--they aren't even married yet. I can't imagine what will happen when and if kids are thrown into the mix. It's way to exhausting trying to keep up with all of it.

The selfish brother
This guy is unbelieveable. He expects everyone's lives to revolve around him. He won't be inconvenienced for anything and expects his entire family to foot the bill for his entertainment and activities. The odd thing is...they all do it. They pay for his way; they cater to his demands; they let him get away with wrecking their good times. He ruins their Christmas every year and they continue to let him.

The controlling sister
She still believes that even though her brothers are grown men, she has the right and the privilege of telling them what they should do and shouldn't do. She orders them around like she's the parent and expects them both to follow her orders. And guess what? They do. It's a very strange family dyanmic. I haven't figured out if it's out of guilt or some sort of duty that they follow her lead. Perhaps I never will. Of course, it causes all kinds of issues with their relationships.

The neglected mother
No matter how much time you spend with her, it's never enough. But, she won't take her time or spend her money to travel to where you live to visit you. When you come home, she expects you to be with her 24/7 and begrudges you any time you spend with any other family or friends. When you aren't with her she calls you asking when you will be back. (Note: I will NEVER be this mother..and I mean NEVER!)

The stepmother
This woman spends her time trying to win the approval of the stepchildren by making her home "fun" for them. Mind you, she's the "affair" that their father had so many years ago when he left their mother. But now, she's the "cool" stepmom. She cooks lobster. Has a hot tub. Buys them Christmas presents and talks their father into finally spending money on his children after all these years. So why wouldn't they want to be over there than at the house where they are bitched out for not being there enough?

When I was growing up, my father always said we were spending Christmas in our home and if anyone wanted to come and visit us they could. I always hated it because it was just us and the family never came (except my great-aunt). But now I understand the logic in it. We always had a drama free Christmas and didn't feel pulled and tugged every which way. It makes perfect sense now after observing what happens on the other end of the spectrum.

Happy (haha) Holidays,
Walden Fan

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

2008-12-25T06:37:00.000-08:00

For unto us is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord...

Walden Fan

A Piece of Sky

2008-12-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I was winding down after the day and I turned on the television while I was checking my email. And one of my favorite movies was on: Yentl with Barbra Streisand. I started watching it and a flood of emotions came back to me from the first time I saw the movie. Boy can I relate to Yentl. She was a woman living in a world that didn't recognize her value. She wanted to study the Word of God and debate the Talmud with other Jews, but it was considered a sin. She lived in a world where only men were allowed to be leaders in the church. Only men were allowed to teach and take positions of authority.

When I first saw this movie I was in a battle at my church with the leadership over the amount of influence I held in the congregation. My denomination frowned (and still does) on women taking any role of responsibility in the church. It was acceptable for them to work with children or in some kind of children's ministry, but not in a position of leadership over men. So the battles raged and I eventually succumbed and left the church and the denomination.

There are so many songs in this movie that speak to me of that time in my life--relating to not fitting in and wanting so badly to serve God when He called me and the search for divine inspiration and knowledge. But one of my absolute favorites is at the end of the movie when Yentl finally "finds herself" and heads to America where freedom allows her to pursue her passion. She is standing on the bough of the boat as it heads toward her dream and sings:

It all began the day I found
That from my window
I could only see
A piece of sky.
I stepped outside and looked around,
I never dreamed it was so wide
Or even half as high.

The time had come
To try my wings
And even though it seemed at any moment I could fall,
I felt the most
Amazing things,
The things you can't imagine
If you've never flown at all.

Though it's safer to stay on the ground,
Sometimes where danger lies
There the sweetest of pleasures are found.
No matter where I go-
There'll be mem'ries that tug at my sleeve
But there will also be
More to question yet more to believe.

The more I live - the more I learn.
The more I learn - the more I realize
The less I know.
Each step I take-
Each page I turn-
Each mile I travel only means
The more I have to go.
What's wrong with wanting more? If you can fly - then soar!
With all there is - why settle for Just a piece of sky?

Flying and soaring,
Walden Fan

Daughters

2008-12-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

I spent the day with my daughter. Every time I'm with her she brings me so much joy. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine what my life would have been had she not been a part of it. I've had some of the most amazing life experiences because of her. We've shared moments of absolute ecstasy and moments of total agony together. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her and I'm sure she for me. We can spend hours together talking about anything and everything and never tire of each other's company. It's the mother/daughter connection that either works or doesn't. When it works it's heaven; when it doesn't it's pure hell. My mother and I had one of those heaven sent relationships. She was in my life for 32 years and that wasn't nearly long enough.

It's the little things that remind me of my mother and make me miss her. Sitting with my daughter today wrapping presents reminded me of the last Christmas we spent together and even though we knew the end was near we enjoyed every last milisecond together. She's a part of me and she's a part of my daughter. And when I look at my daughter and she smiles that HUGE smile she so often does I remember my mother, always smiling.

There's a Streisand Christmas song that pretty much says it all:

The best gift
That I ever got
Didn't really weigh a lot
It didn't have a ribbon 'round
And it sometimes made the terrible sound
The best of all it seems to me
It wasn't neath the Christmas tree
And yet, I guess I'd have to say
That it made all the other presents twice as gay
The best gift that I've ever known
I'd always wanted most to own
Yet in my dreams of sugar and spice
I never thought it could be so nice
The best gift that I ever get
Was sometimes dry and sometimes wet
Was usually pink but oftentimes red
As it lay so innocently in its bed
The best gift of the year to me
The one I hold most dear to me
A gift that simply drove me wild
Was a tiny new born child...

Enough said,

Walden Fan

I'm dreaming...

2008-12-21T06:27:00.000-08:00

...of a white Christmas. Yes I am. Because...I'm 54 years old and I have NEVER seen one. Since I live in south Texas, it rarely (if ever) snows. However, in 2002, it did. Where was I? I was in New York City spending Christmas there in an attempt to have a white Christmas. The first time in over 100 years it snowed three inches in my hometown and I was in New York where it DID NOT snow. Totally ironic.

It's not that I haven't ever seen snow. I've seen snow. I've walked in Harvard Square in Boston in the middle of a blizzard while the local people watched me stand there and "take it in". I've been on a train platform at 9 degrees waiting to catch a train while it was snowing. It's not that I haven't seen snow, it's just that once I'd love to wake up Christmas morning and see snow on the ground. I don't think that's too much to ask. Do you?

So for all you northerners that are snowed in today and cursing winter, there are those of us in short sleeves celebrating Christmas with NO SNOW. So thank God you're where you are with a roaring fire and hot chocolate and SNOW. Because I'll be where I am wishing I was where you are (or at least in Boston where there is a foot of snow).

Still dreaming of a white Christmas,
Walden Fan

Sleepless Nights

2008-12-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas related songs is "Count Your Blessings" from White Christmas.

"If you're worried, and you can't sleep,
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings."

I wish it worked. But some nights nothing works. I can listen to music, count my blessings, read, pray (which for some reason works more often than not); and still, sleep doesn't come. So instead of lying in bed and getting frustrated, I just get up and try and be productive.

As you get older, sleep tends to evade you. I guess that's where they got the saying, "sleeps like a baby"; because babies, teenagers and pets are the ONLY ones who sleep through earthquakes, tornadoes and all forms of natural disasters. Most adults have insomnia at one point or another. It's just the nature of life I suppose.

In an effort to be productive this morning and perhaps begin the day on a positive note, I thought I might actually list the blessings I counted. Who knows, once I'm done maybe I'll fall asleep!

1. Freedom to worship, vote, choose, and even disagree
2. A roof over my head and food on my table
3. Children who love me and respect me
4. A spouse who goes to work every day and allows me the freedom to work at home
5. Friends who put up with my good days and bad days and accept me for who I am
6. Music and all the joy it brings into my life
7. Parents who raised me to love God and love His Word
8. The new friends I have met in the past few years online and eventually in person
9. The ability to express my feelings with words
10. A life filled with great memories and miraculous moments

Still awake but feeling blessed,
Walden Fan

It's SNOWING in Vegas!

2008-12-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me this picture of Las Vegas and the SNOW. Seems everyone is getting snow this year for Christmas...everyone but ME that is! Gee..I wish I was going to Boston...

Walden Fan

Giving

2008-12-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

It's Christmastime. The time of year when we give presents and we receive presents. For many of us it's become a drudgery--trying to find something for those who have everything and don't really need anything. It's the time of year when the stores but out all those useless items that we only buy once a year and that end up in a drawer or regifted.

It makes me think about giving, and what it really means. I read a quote the other day that sums it up for me: giving in it's purest form expects nothing in return. Sometimes we get so caught up in the Christmas season and shopping that we forget why we do it. We forget that there really isn't anything more gratifying than to give and expect nothing in return.

I've given many times without expecting anything in return. I did it because I wanted to. Not because I felt obligated. I did it because I loved the people I was giving to. After all, that's the true basis that we give. We give out of love. And if you're not giving out of love, you aren't embracing the true meaning of giving.

Find someone that you can give to anonymously without expecting anything in return. It will be the greatest gift you give this year and it will bless your heart and warm your soul.

Giving the gift of words,
Walden Fan

Friendship

2008-12-14T04:28:00.000-08:00

On Friday I was watching Oprah Winfrey. I NEVER watch her show, but she was interviewing Tom Cruise and it was supposed to be an interview that talked about all the controversial subjects: chair jumping, Scientology, his Brooke Shields comment, the Matt Lauer interview, Nicole...the works. It was an interesting interview, but I guess the question that I took away from it was her asking him what he valued in a friend. The most important trait he said was "loyalty". I've thought a great deal about that comment over the last 24 hours.

What does loyalty really mean? The dictionary defines it as: unwavering devotion; commitment to a promise; a firm ally. Some synonyms are: faithful, steadfast, abiding, devoted. I wonder how many of us can say that we possess that quality in our friendships?

It's understandable why Tom Cruise looks for that trait. His confidence cannot be betrayed. The papparazzi is always looking for someone to provide information related to him and his family. Loyalty to a promise of secrecy is paramount. When his family is attacked in the press, he needs that firm ally to stand on his side and defend his integrity and his honor.

But does the average person really require that level of loyalty? Absolutely. We all have personal and private things we share with our close friends. Things we have told no one else. A loyal friend will not betray that trust. Many times we are attacked by others. A loyal friend will always stand on our side and defend us when we are maliciously maligned or attacked. A loyal friend rejoices in the good times and empathizes when you are in pain or hurting. A loyal friend hangs in there during those inevitable disagreements and works through to find a resolution.

I'd say that Tom was right. Loyalty is the most important quality you need in a friend.

Walden Fan

Music that soothes the soul

2008-12-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

Music can soothe the soul like nothing else. It's always been that way. And it will continue to be that way forever I believe. David used music to soothe King Saul. "...David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better..." Music is a gift from God. Many believe that music can heal our souls and even our physical bodies. I completely agree.

A close friend of mine sent me an early Christmas present today. It was a music cd by a young man out of Oklahoma. He's a pianist and it's more than music. It's therapy. I can actually say that the music this young man plays soothes the soul. There's something about his compositions that brought peace to me as I listened to them. They penetrated my heart and as I closed my eyes and listened I felt a calmness and a sense of oneness with God.

On the cd jacket, Jarrod says:

May these songs bring
Healing to your wounds,
Joy to your sorrows,
Depth to your passions,
Beauty to your romances,
And life to your souls.

If you're looking for any of these things, add this to your collection.

Feeling peaceful,
Walden Fan

How much is too much?

2008-12-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

My best friend asked me this question tonight, "How much can one person take?" It's a question we have all asked at one time or another. It's a question that doesn't really have an answer. I wish it did, but unfortunately, I don't think any of us know how much we can take until we are faced with those trials and tragedies. That's when we find out what we are made of.

Surprisingly, most of us are able to handle whatever life gives us. We may struggle. We may cry. We may even give up for a time, but we usually find the strength to keep going. That fighting spirit is built into each one of us. It surfaces when we want to give up. It gives us that extra push to keep going and it gives us hope that tomorrow can be better than today.

We've all been there and felt like we can't go on. That if one more bomb falls on us we won't be able to get up. We crawl under the covers and hide, hoping it will all go away. But in the morning, things don't seem so bad as they did the night before. And we find the strength to try for one more day.

We can all be overcomers. All it takes is making that choice and refusing to give up the fight. The key is taking one day at a time. Sounds simple right? It's not. It's hard and it requires every ounce of courage we have to make it through those days. My mother used to tell me, "this too shall pass". I have to admit, I hated those words, BUT...she was right. It passes and on the other side sometimes, if you're lucky, you've learned something or gotten stronger because of it.

Living to fight another day,
Walden Fan

Christmas Movies

2008-12-11T04:30:00.000-08:00

I love movies. I especially like listening to the dialogue in movies and picking out that one special line that immortalizes it in my mind. It might be the writer in me, but it's why I can watch a movie over and over again and find something different every time I see it. This time of year, I'm especially attracted to the Christmas stories. I've watch them year after year and I never grow tired of them.

Just for fun and because I'm feeling unusually capricious tonight, here are some of my favorite lines from some of my favorite Christmas movies:

"You'll shoot your eye out."
A Christmas Story

"But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will always love you"-
Love Actually

"I'm giving thanks that we don't have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us."
Home for the Holidays

"You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?"
Home Alone

"Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

"When what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left."
White Christmas

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings!"
It's a Wonderful Life

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
Miracle on 34th Street

"My family's in Florida and I'm in New York!"
Home Alone - Lost in New York

"The main trouble is there are too many people who don't know where they're going and they want to get there too fast!"
The Bishop's Wife

Off to watch Home Alone,
Walden Fan

Fathers

2008-12-10T04:50:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last several days decorating my home for Christmas. As I've said previously, I love Christmas. But this morning I began to feel just a little tinge of sadness. I started thinking about my father who never really liked Christmas. As a child, I hardly remember him participating in any of it. Except the one event I always hated: the annual Christmas shopping trip. This was a shopping trip in which I would pick out my Christmas present and my father would purchase it on the spot. Some would say that was thoughtful of him. But for some reason it seemed insensitive. It was almost like he couldn't be bothered with taking the time to listen to me or get to know me so he could choose a present he knew I would like. So each year I would pick out my present and each year he would buy it, take it home to my mother, have her wrap it, and place it under the tree.

After my mother passed away his disdain for the holidays increased. It didn't matter how much I tried to make it joyous and special for him, he dreaded that time of year. My children never truly understood, although I know it was related to the fact that she died shortly after Christmas. It brought back so many memories of the last Christmas we all spent together.

It's funny how childhood memories come flooding back this time of year. And it's a little sad that those feelings of insecurity seem to still be there when I think about my father. Even on the day he passed away I was still trying to please him; and he still never could let me know how much he loved me. Of course, my rational mind knew he loved me. But it always seemed I could never win his approval, no matter how hard I tried. And yet after he died, countless people contacted me to tell me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. Sad that he could never really make me feel that himself. And in spite of it all, I miss him terribly. I miss our Sunday morning breakfasts together. I miss his infrequent hugs. I miss listening to gospel music with him. I even miss putting out his HUGE stocking at Christmas and filling it with gifts that were picked and given in love.

All I ever wanted was to please him, and all he ever wanted was for me to know he was proud of me. That's all daughters ever really want from their fathers. What a shame that most of them are never able to express it.

Feeling a bit sad and nostalgic today,
Walden Fan

Freedom

2008-12-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

I was watching one of my all-time favorite TV shows (The West Wing) today and the subject of religious freedom was the topic of the episode. A group of persecuted Chinese Christians had stowed away on a freighter. 63 of them survived the trip to the U.S; 18 of them died. When they arrived in San Diego the INS discovered them and as is the custom, started the proceedings to deport them. But the group claimed they were fleeing religious persecution, so it brought up a completely new issue. Why? Because this country was founded by men and women fleeing religious persecution. The President was informed that it was not uncommon for illegal immigrants to feign religious persecution in an effort to remain in this country. So the leader of the group was summoned to the White House for the President to perform a "test" on the validity of their claim. The man told the President that a series of questions would never prove the validity of a person's faith. The real test is in how you live your life and what you choose to do with the freedom God has given you.

One of the reasons I love Boston is that its the seat of the beginnings of our country's pursuit of independence. It's the place where it all began. It's where the first shot of the Revolutionary War was fired in the pursuit of liberty. For me, it's hallowed ground. You can't stand on that spot, on that bridge in Concord, and not feel the passion of those patriots that day. You can't sit in the Meeting Hall at Fanuiel Hall and not experience the intensity of the words that were spoken there in defense of freedom. Walking the Freedom Trail still gives me goosebumps.

I have thought endlessly about that word the last several months. What does it really mean to be free? Even when we think we are free we can be in our own self-imposed prisons. We can break free from oppression or abuse and yet never really be free because we are still bound by the affects of that abuse. We can live in a country that claims that everyone is free and yet it appears at times only certain citizens have rights while others are persecuted unfairly. We all have the freedom to choose, but are our choices made based on our economic situation or our responsibilities that keep us bound to mediocrity?

People have died to be free and stay free. And yet I think we underestimate the significance of this one little word.

Still contemplating,
Walden Fan

Christmas

2008-12-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I love Christmas--the giving, the decorations, the music, the shopping excursions, the great family memories, and of course, the worship. No matter what is going on in my life, Christmas is always a constant and I look forward to it every year.

This year we'll be celebrating as we usually do: just our small family. But we still have our traditions: the 24 days of Christmas, tamales and chili on Christmas Eve, nutella crepes for breakfast, Christmas dinner complete with holiday poppers, and a movie on Christmas day. They might be rather simple and not very unique, but they are tradition and seem to bring stability to our family no matter what is going on in the past year.

I've had some really rough Christmases that might make people think the bad memories should outweigh the good. But they don't. Why? Because Christmas for me is all about hope. The first Christmas was about God giving us hope in a world that need it more than ever. There was political upheaval and religious pride and persecution. Much like our world today. And just like then, the answer isn't in a man, or a plan, or change. The answers will always be where they were that first Christmas. In the promise of a Savior.

So, as Sheron says on her blog, Random Ponderings, it's ok to wish me a Merry Christmas here, because for me, the greatest gift I ever got (Jesus Christ) is the reason I love this time of year.

Merry Christmas,
Walden Fan

The Word on the Street

2008-12-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

I have this great book that my brother told me about--it's a street version of the Bible. It was written by this "dude", Rob Lacey, that was dying with cancer and spent the time taking the Bible and translating it into a story in street language.

When my mother died, he and I searched for reasons. We kept being told to read the book of Job. It was supposed to give us comfort. Let's just say...it did not. We never really understood why God would take someone who was obviously Godly and test him just to prove he was indeed Godly. But when my brother found this version of the Bible, for some reason, when he read Job it finally clicked--over 20 years later. The title of Job was "Mess Happens". Basically it says God is God and the sooner you accept it, the better you will be. So I had to get my own copy to see for myself. I read Job and I have to say it did help on some level, but I've since found some of the most insightful representations of some profound truths as I read:

So why so sullen, soul. Why so moody, me?
Why so down, so depressed, so incapable of breaking free?
Don't give up--let God lift your life up!
Stack that weight on God, all of it, complete.
See if he can't juggle it, smuggle it away at last,
And set you back on Celebration Street.
(Psalms 42:5)

What is love anyway? Not the tripe you've been force-fed! No. Love gives people space and time; it does people good. It's not jealous, loud-mouthed or big-headed. It's not vulgar. It doesn't look out for Number 1. It's not got a short fuse--it forgives and forgets. Love doesn't smile when dark stuff goes on, but throws a party when the truth gets out. It protects more than a super hero; it trusts more than a toddler. It's always positive. It always hangs in there. Love doesn't let you down.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

These are words I can relate to. Words that inspire me. Words that give me hope and peace when I let them sink in. It's the WORD that does it for me. Always has, always will. (In the beginning was THE WORD, and THE WORD was with God, and THE WORD was God. John 1:1)

Soaking up THE WORD today,
Walden Fan

Addendum--Rob Lacey didn't succumb to cancer. In the last few pages of his book are his journal. He asks the question we all ask at one point or another in our lives--Why Me? "And with answers so shy," he says "I won't ask why? Right now I'll just ask, how do I live? How do I die? I'll leave the questions lying there. I'll leave my lopsided, left heavy, rational, righteous brain. I'll just give God His fame. The always different, ever the same. I'll thank Emmanuel, I'll thank God with us. I'm well."

On Walden Pond

2008-12-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite authors is Henry David Thoreau. On one of my many trips to Boston I was able to visit the site of his cabin on Walden Pond. There is nothing quite like standing on the place where he lived and was inspired so many hundreds of years ago.

Walden Pond is one of those magical locations that inspires me to write. Walking along the pond and seeing the trees glisten in the water, while listening to the deafening silence, puts you in touch with your thoughts. It's so quiet there you can hear the leaves fall and the wind in the trees. The water is so still and calm that skipping rocks almost seems criminal. And although I am a city girl at heart, being there makes me appreciate the beauty in nature and the quiet peace that can come when you separate yourself from the world and everything that crowds out your passion.

Thoreau went to the pond because he wanted to write. But even more importantly, he wanted to get the most from his life by determining what was really important, and he did that by removing himself somewhat from his normal life. He did this by living a simple life in the woods. He also took the time to seek spiritual renewal--much like a spiritual retreat. He expressed his purpose quite simply:

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived"

Living deliberately can be hard. The day to day dramas and the responsibilities of life sometime crowd out our discoveries. And these days, I'm all about those discoveries.

This blog will chronicle my pursuit and hopefully remind me to "suck out all the marrow of life"

Living Deliberately,
Walden Fan